Hurt, Sad, Shame, Guilt

 This year has been a rough year.

Maybe the roughest year of my marriage life.

I received a big information ab out my husband.

My mother in-law has passed away in 2020. Being the eldest among two siblings, he is appointed as the administrator for Mama's assets. She has a lot. We renovated our current house (Mama's house that has become his house now) in 2022, after Babah's passing. We spent a lot, in my thought, using his portion of inheritance money from Mama. 

After five years now since Mama's passing, I got to know in June, that my husband has used his little sister's portion of the money instead. It's not little. It's a lot...

5

 Oh, hi again.

I just read what I wrote last year.

Guess what? The situation is still the same.

Nothing much changed. My relationship with le husband is still the same. Sometimes it was okay, sometimes I was moody the whole time, sometimes we both don't talk to each other. But no other time do we in intimate relationship. Seggs is... I don't even wanna talk about it. 

My son is growing up. Next year he will be 7 years old. I think there are so many things we haven't done with him. There are so many things we haven't taught him to do. Because, we lean for comfortness. We like to lounge more than hustle. It is not good. It does feel good to lounge, but it is not good in a long run. 

4

 Hi.

Entahlah. It seems like I am always on angry mode these days.

Especially towards my son. I really hate it when he didn't listen to me. I can't seem to have tolerance to discuss at all. It's like, once he reject my suggestion, I will automatically turn into angry mode and speak harshly to him all the time. I feel frustrated that he doesn't believe what I told him. This bad attitude doesn't only fall onto my son, but also to my husband. I feel bad that he didn't even do anything wrong, but I just don't feel like being nice to him justt because I was feeling mad at my son. My anger just don't subside and I realized that I don't know how to channel my anger away. It made our home environment suck.

Furthermore, my husband's mood is easily influenced by mine. If he sees that I'm in bad mood, he turns moody as well and jointly being harshed to our son. Which then, evoke my protective mode and I became defending my son and eventually, we both argue. My brain was like, what the heck? I was the one who felt the anger at first, why is that my husband ends up become the harsher one and in the end, me and my son got scolded like we did not respect his existence in the house(?) I am expecting and hoping that he become the one who calm both us down, you know. Like, he was not in the "anger" situation in the first place pun. So, being the outsider (of the situation), typically we become the person who "I understand your feeling, you've done good job. I love you both. etc etc" but end up he joined the club getting angry at our kid who doesn't do wrong to him at all. Can you imagine the son was waiting to play with daddy when daddy got home from work but end up getting scolded after 15 minutes arrive at home? I feel trapped. Trapped between the unfinished anger and pitying my son while feeling mad at my husband for scolding my son. Can you imagine? 

Instead of finding ways to solve my emotion, I end up feeling guilty for my behaviour. I thought that, if only I was not angry at my son, and I treat my husband better, the whole situation won't be bad, you know? I... really don't know how to communicate this to my husband. I don't know how to tell him so he understands my feeling and to not let my feeling affected him so much, you got what i mean? I was hoping to lean on him but instead I become wary of my action to not make him mad. And I see this will be on repeat. No solution, for now. 

2023, 32 yo?

 Assalamualaikum!

Ohmy ohmy. Tahun ini dah masuk 32 tahun dah seorang Syaheera!

Selamat tahun baru!

3

It happens again.

The feeling is still there, unresolved.

We both actually have issues that we don't talk about.

More on me.

Because I kept things to myself a lot. I don't trust him to understand my feelings even if I were to talk about it. I always have this impression that he doesn't like the way I handle things/life and that even if I were to express my dissatisfaction, the problem actually came from me.

The current event seems proving my thought.

It was raya days, and also we have weddings to manage. It is my fault since I didn't prioritized them instead I was too busy lending my hand at my grandma's house. I don't serve them breakfast or take care of their needs at all, it seems. Well, I woke up early and I straight away dashed to grandma's house while they were still sleeping. It was not until nearly 10 when he texted me "Where is my bfast? Where is Thaqif's bfast?" "I am too upset right now. This whole raya, me and Thaqif are totally neglected."

I couldn't reply anything. I feel upset as well. There were so many things I wanna counter back. But I zipped my mouth, still. I was happy to be able to meet my family & relatives. I wanted to use most of my time to talk or meet or even smile to others because I am all alone here. I don't have anyone that I meet on regular basis other than my husband and my son. Of course, it is my fault to not taking care of their needs before heading out. But also, we were not staying at hotel. We stayed at mom's house, and it is not that they have to starve... Scratch that. The main point is, why didn't I think about them first before heading out of the house? --- Meals, has always been my source of problem with him. He has to eat whenever it is time to eat, and properly. As in, a complete meal. Not a stupid bread&jam or milo&hupseng. He is easily mad whenever food is restricted. We are totally different. I saw that, but I don't change my way accordingly. 

2

 I guess, this is really my gloomy rant space.

I honestly don't know why the sad feeling doesn't go away. I am so easily offended by my husband lately. I miss his touches, but when I faced him, I just feel annoyed and sometime secretly disliking him. My heart really broke by his words and actions.

In all honesty, I hate his short-tempered and impatient attitude. He always rushed me to do things. He easily get upset if I lambat basuh berak anak. His sighs of dissatisfaction, it is very stressful for me. 

But yet, I have never shown him my true feelings. I never told him, "Can you please be patient for once?" Or "Can you please wait for 5 minutes?", not even the smallest reply such as, "Not now." Every time he commented things, I do without complaining. I felt it is better to do as he wants rather than arguing. But, that is not a good communication, right? I have been holding back my feelings while he freely expressed his feeling without respecting my own feeling. 

I'm tired. I don't know how long can I stay like this.

1.0

 Hi, it's me.

Currently I'm doing my job (while blogging apparently) while my husband and son sleeping in the next room.

Honestly, lately I don't feel happy. 

I am beyond sad.

If you ask me if i'm sad? No, it's not. I am not sad. I am just unhappy.

There are many reasons in my mind, but there is nothing I could talk about.

I have mixed feelings right now.

I miss my old me, the confident one, the healthy one, the happy one.

But now, I feel like the worst person, who don't deserved to be loved. Although I know, there are many people out there loving me, wishing me well. But honestly, I am lacking a lot of confidence in myself that I don't feel like meeting people at all. I am in my worst shape, both body and mind.

My husband's words keep on repeating and as much as I love him, I truly hate his words.

People said communication is crucial in marriage. But what am i supposed to do if i dislike communicating with my spouse?